5 friends and a Stone Parody of Harry Potter
by cookiemonster97
Summary: 5 weird freaks, find out they have been accepted at Hogwarts. How will these five idiots change life at school for the other students and teachers...
1. Chapter 1

Manon is a french name (yes I'm french!) There may be some inside jokes, but I hope you like it.

**FIVE FRIENDS AND A STONE  
><strong>_**By: Olivia, Marianne and Manon **_

_**With the help of: Eleonore and Oceane **_

**CHAPTER 1: "Did you eat the owl!****"**

It was a beautiful morning or was it in the evening (I can never remember) when a group of five perfectly normal friends (I guess that's not completely true) had their lives changed by the arrival of the most important letter of their lives (I guess that if a letter arrived saying that their parents had died it would be more important but who cares?)

That day the five friends: Olivia, Oceane, Marianne, Eleonore and Manon had all gone to Marianne's house to enjoy a 'friendly' game of monopoly. Marianne Sparrow is the daughter Jack Sparrow the notorious murderer who is spending the rest of his days locked up in the wizard prison, Azkaban. Olivia De Mort's father is the world renowned evil mastermind (and the best cookie maker of all time) Lord Voldemort De Mort. He makes Marianne's father look like a puppy in comparison. Speaking of puppies, last time we checked Oceane Insertnamehere's parents _were_ puppies. Eleonore Astalavista is an orphan and no one has ever met Manon Kiedjyejz parents but if they are as insane as she is, it is best if no one EVER meets them!

As I was saying, they were playing monopoly while Marianne's mom and Mr. De Mort were exchanging cookie recepies. Most people think of monopoly as a boring and long game but not with this group of freaks. Olivia was cheating with the help of her dad (she won before any of the others had rolled the dice); Marianne was trying to play with her eyes closed (she was broke within seconds of the start of the game… I wonder what happened to all her money. *Olivia does the puppy eyes as she counts her money*). Oceane was playing with her nose, like a dog… if dogs play monopoly. Eleonore wasn't really into the game she was reading the latest edition of '_How to make successful cookies and take over the world. The story of my life by Lord Voldemort De Mort.'_ If you're asking yourself why their game didn't last very long it was because of Manon. Oh. Manon. She made the board fall so many times that their games only lasted a few minutes and in the worst case a few seconds.

They had been playing for a while when they all got a bit hungry.

"Daddy can you bake us some cookies?" asked Olivia to her dad.

"Unfortunately, a certain Harry Potter has destroyed my body and I am now, only a soul without a body. I can not kill people, I can not cast spells and heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without anyone helping me but… worst of all… I CAN'T BAKE COOKIIIIIIIES!" He yelled. They stared at him in disbelief, some of them even cried a little.

"No…more…cookies?" Eleonore said shocked by the revelation. "I haven't been this sad since my parents died."

"Woof! To get our mind of this tragedy let's play some monop…" Oceane started, but before she could finish her sentence… CRASH. Manon had slipped on her way back from the bathroom, fallen unto the board, the glass table on which it was placed on was shattered and she had crashed into Marianne's mom's sharp object collection which she keeps under the table.

"Damn it, Manon can't you be a little more careful!' exclaimed Olivia.

"Yeah! And stop that! You're putting blood all over our new carpet!"

"I think this sharp pencil just burst one of my arteries." Gasped Manon.

"Oh don't be such a drama queen, It's just a flesh wound." Scowled Eleonore.

"I can see my bone!" said Manon.

"Yeah? Well I can see it too you want me to reward you for that! Stop thinking you're more important than us because both your parents are alive!" said Eleonore as she burst into tears.

"Both Oceane's parents are alive and I think there's a fork stuck in my foot!"

Everyone would've continued screaming at Manon if it hadn't been for the five owls that swooped in from the closed window. They neatly dropped a letter in each of the girls' hands and left (Manon's owl was almost as clumsy as she was: it forgot to stop hit Manon in the face and made her stumble backwards.) They all wondered what was written in the letter:

"I wonder what's written in the letter." Said Eleonore.

"Yeah. So do… Agh!" Manon tried saying and ended up coughing up blood and feathers.

"Ugh…. Manon did you eat the owl?" asked Marianne reproachfully.

"NO! That's my blood I'm coughing out! I need to get to a hospital. Quick!"

"Of course you do… now let's open these letters!" said Olivia.

"I agree… and I hope these are from the Puppy club." Added Oceane

Olivia rolled her eyes at Oceane before they all (with the exception of Manon who was playing dead on the stained carpet) opened their letters.

Dear people who have been exepted at Hogwarts School of Withchcrap and Wizardry,

You have been exepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcrap and Wizardry. Concrapulation.

You are acpected at King Cross Station in London on the first of Septambuary. You will find in this anvelope your ticket, a list of things to buy, a map to help you get to the station, a compass to help you get to the station, a cat and a cookie. If you do not want your cookie please send it back to us or give it to charity.

Love,

_Minerva McGonagall_

_XOXOXO_

"What does xoxoxo mean?" asked Oceane.

Olivia shuddered. "I think it's an expression of love and affection." And she ran to the bathroom to puke a little. The others (with the exception of Manon who seemed to enjoy lying on the floor without breathing) observed the other objects in the envelope. The cats had all died from getting eaten by the cookies who tasted like complete crap compared to Mr. De Mort's. There were still other pieces of paper.

**List of things to bring!**

*You NEED:

- Swimsuit - Snowsuit - Swim snowsuit

- Toothpaste - Can of soup - Emergency can of soup. -TOOTHBRUSH -umbrella

- Plastic duck - ipod… Headphones are FORBIDEN. - Toilet paper - Refrigerator - Parachute - Lifejacket - Bag of peanuts - 365 pairs of socks. - 365 underwear - 5 shirts - 1 pair of pants.

*COMPULSARY:

- Wand

- Uniform

- School books

- Cauldron

"Finally! My first Hogwarts letter!" exclaimed Olivia, though, on the inside she felt like killing a moose because she knew she'd be stuck with her freak idiot friends 24.7.

"Hogwarts! Hog… Warts! HAHAHAHAHA! Get it! Get it!" cried Marianne before bursting into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. Everyone ignored her. They were all used to her bad (and some times inappropriate) humour.

"Hey they misspelled my name." gasped Manon before faking her death once more.

"Manon! Stop bleeding! I'm not sure if they'll accept your ticket if it's soaked in your blood!" said Marianne's mom.

Out of the five friends only two of them had no idea what was happening.

"Manon, I'm used to your bad pranks and all, but this one is just pathetic! You really think I'm going to buy this load of rubbish? And what kind of stupid name is McGonagall, I thought you'd be more creative!" Said Eleonore to Manon's corpse.

Oceane read and re-read the letter frowning even more each time and scratching her head with her foot.

"This isn't from the puppy club!" She said finally when they were all sitting in Manon's hospital room. Turn's out she wasn't faking it after all.

They were all gathered around Manon's bed, sick with worry about their friend…not really. They had all gone home before Manon even woke up!

Once they were all home and none of them were bleeding internally they all day dreamed about what they'd do at Hogwarts: Whether it was traumatising fellow classmates, spending one day without bursting an artery, playing fetch all day, baking the best cookies ever or proving to the world that blond Canadian's could be smart all the dreams were filled with joy!


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER ****2: "Where's your mommy?"**

It was a week before term started, and the four…woops… five friends decided it may be time to... Oh my gosh! MUFFINS!... I'm sorry, I'm getting carried away… time to buy (or in Olivia's case shoplift) their school stuff (and in Olivia's case a new toothbrush. Her old one had been broken while she was trying to stab Oceane.)

After arriving at Vertic Alley, the wizard shopping mall, the group of friends went to get their money from Gottsgrint bank. Everyone in the wizarding world knew that Gottgrint was run by goblins (or in Marianne's words, dwarves), that is with the exception of our heroin… heroesses… heroes (not that they were very heroic in any way.). Inside, they all thought the bank was deserted, until, Manon ooh Manon tripped over one of the goblins.

"Crap! I'm so sorry little boy. I didn't see you! Where's your mommy?"

"Excuse me." Said the shocked dwarf.

"Aaaaaw… little boy needs a shave! A shave… GET IT? GET IT?" said Marianne before getting hit in the head by Olivia.

The five…. No four… GODDAMN IT! FIVE friends took thirty minutes to realise that the goblin was not a three year old who needs a shave but in fact a miniature version of a grumpy fifty year old man (with unusually pointy ears.).

"Before going into the underground tunnel first read our "BEWARE" poem."

_Enter stranger but beware, _

_For there are cookies in our lair,_

_Don't be greedy or you'll die, _

_For you are a Jedi,_

_Chewbacca will be waiting for you,_

_But Dark Vader will try to kill you, _

_But don't worry, just eat your cookie__,_

_For I am your daddy__._

"I knew it!" cried Eleonore! "My father isn't dead!" she threw herself at the poor goblin and kissed him on his cheek! "I love you dad!"

The goblin was too shocked to speak. He decided to just continue. The five friends were brought into a small golf cart and they had to squeeze so that they would all fit. Eleonore happily took the poor goblin on her laps and started hugging him. He managed to get out of her grip to drive the cart. While the goblin drove them to their vaults he started telling the group of freaks all about the "super efficient and never failing" security system.

"We have so many creatures guarding the vaults," he said "Dragons, griffons, killer snakes, three headed dogs and hamsters. Our security system has never failed us and I'm sure it never w…"

"HEY GUYS! STOP THE CART! LOOK WHAT I FOUND!" cried Manon.

All of the people in the cart turned around to see, not Manon, but an open door. The goblin rushed the cart back to the door. Olivia, Marianne, Oceane and Eleonore rushed inside to see what Manon was screaming about. As they passed the doorway they were all amazed by all the cookies in this room. Manon was already swimming in a pool of chocolate chipped ones.

"Is this heaven?" asked Oceane in disbelief as she grabbed a handful of chocolate cookies with smarties on top and shoved them in her mouth.

Eleonore who had already past out in a corner of the room because she had eaten too many cookies was muttering in her sugar induced coma.

"Cooooooooookies! Wonderful Cooooooooookies!"

The only one who didn't seem at all pleased with this short visit to cookie heaven was the goblin.

"Oh no what happened? How did you get in?"

"Well…" started a drunk Manon (she hadn't realised the chocolate chip cookies were filled with whisky. "I was just sitting on my seat on the golf cart… golf cart when I fell out."

"Oooooooh. You fell out." Cut in a drunken Oceane.

"Yep, I fell out. I hit what I thought was the wall…*giggle*… but it was actually… a door… HA!"

"What happened next?" said drunk Oceane as she bumped into a pile of vodka filled butter cookies and started stuffing her face with them.

"… Well the door just flew open as if there was NO security and I fell here… … look at my thumb it so funny! Don't you think it's funny?"

"Totally." Said Oceane her mouth full of the vodka cookies. "But my paw's funnier!"

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is."

"No, it's not."

This went on for a while. The goblin finally got the four… DAMN THIS FRIGGIN JOB! FIVE FRIENDS! DAMN IT, I ALWAYS FORGET THAT PUPPY FREAK!AAAAAAAAAAH!... Out of the cookie room and all of them got their gold out from their vaults (they stole some from other peoples vaults too). They left the bank and set off to buy the most important thing they had to buy that day… Olivia's toothbrush.

Once they arrived at the drugstore they realised the task of choosing one toothbrush for Olivia, was going to be very hard. There were just too many choices: red, blue, purple, green; electric, not electric, long bristles, short bristles… In the end Olivia shoplifted all of them.

The friends then went to the pet store to buy well… their pets. Oceane was delighted when she entered the pet shop. She was finally home! She said caught up with her childhood friends whilst the other freaks chose their pets. Olivia already had a pet, Nagini, a very deadly and poisonous man-eating snake her dad had given her as a present when she turned two, so she spent the time in the pet store terrifying little six year olds who where looking at the hamsters. Marianne on the other hand was deciding on whether or not to get a Frisbee for Oceane, Eleonore was talking with magical fish who shared the same interest in Voldemort's recipes as she did and Manon, oooh Manon she had tripped over a dog kennel, bumped into a shelf where a number of owl cages were placed, a dozen of those cages fell to the ground and one in particular broke open and a hysterical barn owl erupted from it.

"CRAP!" exclaimed Manon as the owl orbited around her.

"Oh dear! ,started the shop owner, You seem to have broken his cage, you're going to have to by him!"

"Can't you just wave your wand and do that sort of repairing charm or something. You are a witch, so…"

"….. Shhhhhhhhhhh! You must've hit your head pretty hard. Now give me your money and you can leave."

After paying (unfortunately hiding an owl under your shirt was not very subtle), the group of friends left the shop. In the end Marianne did by the Frisbee for Oceane, Eleonore bought 7 cookie-loving fish (She named them Voldie, Einstein, Hitler, Gorbachev, Mother Theresa, Hades and Archduke Franz-Ferdinand) and Manon was forced to by that barn owl who seemed to be on a never ending sugar rush, just like his owner. Each time Manon tried to name him he didn't respond so he was still nameless.

Next stop was the cauldron store, then the book store, then the tailor, then the ice cream break, then the ski equipment shop, then the beach ball shop, then the cake shop, then the sock store, then the 'You suck' store (that one was more for Manon than anyone else.), the Adam Lambert Fan club (Marianne?), Toy Kingdom, Bombs 'r' us, the hairdresser, the dog hairdresser, the psychiatrist, IKEA, the record store, 2nd ice cream break, Marshmallow kingdom, after a traumatising visit of Marshmallow kingdom they all stopped for a third ice cream break, the ribbon shop, the hardware shop, the candy store, the candy store, the candy store, the candy store… Each time they set foot out of the candy store they missed the sugar so much they ran back in. After an indigestion due to all the 'healthy food' they were eaten they all stopped for a break.

"So we're all done, right?" asked Marianne.

"Yeah, I think so." Agreed Manon.

"I feel like we forgot something." Interjected Eleonore.

"No, I don't think so…" answered Olivia.

"Hey what's that shop?" asked Manon.

They all looked in the direction Manon was pointing. There was a big sign that read: "OLIVANDER'S WAND SHOP"

"I don't know." Admitted Marianne.

"Let's go check it out." Suggested Olivia.

So all four, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FIVE friends entered the mysterious wand shop. There was an old dude at the counter.

"Ah… Olivia, Oceane, Eleonore, Marianne, Manon, I've been expecting y-"

"Don't kiss our asses!" scolded Olivia.

"I'm sorry." He bowed. Oceane barked.

"Now, we are looking for five wands and toothpaste if you have any."

"Yes, of course, a wizard's most powerful weapon… Toothpaste!" he said in a mysterious voice while handing a strawberry flavoured tube to Olivia.

"What am I five?" she asked indignantly as she shoved the tube in one of her hundreds of shopping bags.

The next hour was spent trying out wands and, in this particular case, destroying Mr. Olivander's shop. Every time a wand didn't work the shop owner would go back and fetch yet another shoe box (the shop was running low on funds so they had to use shoe boxes instead of wand boxes.) and make one of the friends try out yet another wand. In the end the shop was half burned down. Eleonore had her wand, Manon had her wand, Oceane had her wand and Marianne had her wand (it happened to be the most powerful wand in the world… unfortunately Marianne couldn't make the difference between her wand that could make her the master of the universe or a useless twig…), only Olivia still didn't have her wand. Time after time Mr. Olivander tried to get Olivia a fitting won and time after time he failed. After hours of trying and failing Olivia got kid of a lot pissed, and jumped behind the counter, picked out a box at random and opened it. What she saw was probably the coolest looking wand ever. It was shaped like a gun and it was just LEGENDARY.

"Give it a try!" said Olivander.

Olivia left the shop, followed by her four friends. She was pretty satisfied by what she had done (FUN FACT: Mr. Olivander is still in a coma today.).

All friends got home safely… or as safely as Manon can, which pretty much means getting ten stitches instead of twenty… and packed all their stuff for the upcoming school year, but none of them could've guessed what was going to happen next, even though Olivia claims to have known all along and, no one dares contradict Olivia…

4


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: «Crap doesn't have ****flees! »**

A week later, the four-ive friends met at King's Cross station in London to take the train to Hogwarts. Once they had all arrived they took out their tickets to check the platform, they said: Please be at platform nine and …. By 11:00am on the first of September, the train will be leaving at 9:00am.

Seeing it was already 11:45, the five idiots decided to hurry up so they wouldn't be late. The only one who had actually understood the ticket was Olivia, and she was already looking for a seat on the train. The other four friends, with the exception of Eleonore who was still under the impression that all of this was a prank, started bashing into random walls to check if they were the right one. It was now 3:15pm and the friends were exhausted. They leaned against a wall to rest and… they fell right through.

They all got up, dusted their clothes and looked to see the train. But they did not see a beautiful red steam engine, but the back of a beautiful red steam engine disappearing in the distance. They were all tired from bashing into walls and complaining about the fakeness of this whole story, so they just walked towards the train, while dragging their school trunks behind them. Even though they were walking very slowly and that Manon fell down 5 times on the way, they caught up with the train in seconds and got on it without major difficulty. They opened the locked back door and stumbled into the corridor, accidentally bumping into Olivia who still looking for a seat.

"Damn you, idiots!" Olivia exclaimed as she cast fireballs at all her 'friends' using her wand-gun. Eleonore shot a jet of water from her own wand to stop the flames, Oceane tried to lick the flames out, Marianne thought Olivia had thrown a ball at her, and was now trying to catch the ball of flames, and Manon ooooh, Manon! She had tried to put herself out by rolling on the carpet, she failed. Instead she lit up the carpet, the curtains and pretty much the whole back of the train. The fire killed dozens.

"High five!" said Olivia to Manon as they continued looking for an empty compartment Manon had not vaporized. While they did this Manon explained how she found out her owl's name. It was when she was going home from the shopping and she tripped over her untied shoelaces for the tenth time (it had not occurred to her to actually tie the), when she hit the ground and exclaimed: "Crap!" the owl came flying back to her. That's when she realised that when she had fallen down at the pet store and exclaimed the exact same thing, the bird thought that she was naming him and would now not answer to another name then: Crap!

So the five friends and Crap continued looking for seats. They failed to find an empty compartment, so they settled for one with six people already inside. Seeing a compartment is meant to fit only six people they had to squeeze a little to fit in eleven. Olivia just pushed Oceane of her seat and that pretty much solved the problem.

After getting settled, our five protagonists got to know the six people with whom they were sharing a compartment.

James Topper, the guy with messy black hair, green eyes and dorkish circular glasses, was sitting next to Harry Potter the guy with messy black hair, green eyes and dorkish circular glasses…they were not related. A dude called Remus Lupin was sitting next to an extremely star struck Marianne, and his friend Sirius Black was seated opposite of him. Remus had a huge scar on his face that suggested that he may have been bitten by something… maybe a dog… Anyways, sitting next to Olivia was Hermione Granger (Ocean thought her name was Herpes), she was a complete nerd like Olivia. They could've been best friends if she wasn't so… not evil. Facing the two smart asses was Ron Weasley, a guy with a very high-pitched voice, freckles and curly red hair.

While the train was moving at the mind-blowing speed of half a mile per hour, the freaks got to know these people better:

1) James was a pretentious bastard who thought he was better than every one… He seemed to blush every time Cedric Diggory, Edward Cullen, Robert Pattinson or Albus Dumbdork was mentioned.

2) Harry was a pretentious bastard, who happened to be schizophrenic: He thought he had defeated Olivia's dad when he was one and that he was the 'boy who lived' ("Who are you? Pinocchio?" asked Olivia.)

Remus loved to eat raw meat, he howled a lot, he scratched the back of his head with his feet a lot, and he had whiskers and fur… He was pretty much normal and there was no reason to think he was some sort of mutant creature, or something…

Sirius has daddy issues…and mommy issues… and he hates his brother… and his house elf is a jerk… Olivia couldn't wait to meet his family!

Hermione thought she knew everything, she got real pissed when Olivia outsmarted her… which is why she was pissed all the time.

Ron was a red-head (you'd think that was obvious).

During these hours of basically not moving the eleven, eleven year olds spent their time speaking about completely normal subjects, for example: School, teachers, houses, mouses , Mickey, Minney, Disney land, Space mountains, Space, mountains, COOKIES!, life on mars, mars bars, bars, stripping bars, stripping poles, poles, Poles, Paul, Paul the pole who is a Pole, Bob etc.

While they were talking about parachute accidents, a guy walked in. He was wearing a torn up shirt (like if some kind of mythological creature had tried to eat him… Yeah right!), and holding a sword in his hand (it was probably made of wood and the blood on it was probably fake). The name tag neatly placed over the patch of blood on his chest informed everyone that he was named Parcy Tackson.

"Have you guys seen a Golden fleece?" he asked.

"No why would we have seen that?" answered Hermione.

"Yeah, I mean crap doesn't even have flees and Oceane takes a bath like twice a year." Said Manon as she shielded Crap protectively.

"What's a fleece?" Marianne interjected.

"A piece of goat wool." Replied Hermione, then she looked at Olivia to see if she was going to contradict her. Obviously, yes:

"No, a fleece is a term to describe soft fabric that may refer to a domestic sheep or a long haired goat."

"So I was right." Argued Hermione.

"No you were not. You said it was a piece of goat wool without specifying the kind of wool or the kind of goat so, once again, you were wrong…"

"I'm Harry Potter!" proclaimed Henry.

"Where's my steak?" asked Remus.

"Woof, Woof, Woof!" admitted Oceane.

"You ate WHAT?"

"I'm HARRY POTTER!"

"I was right!"

"You can keep saying that, doesn't make it true."

"I'm Awesome!" said a random blond dude in a suit as he passed by.

"I'M HARRY POTTER!"

"Woof!"

"I don't care how sorry you are you owe me a steak!"

"I'M HARRY POTTER!I'M HARRY POTTER!"

"I still don't get what a fleece is!"

"It's what I said!"

"No, it's what I said!"

"Two eggs, one table spoon of salt…"

"I'M HARRY FRIGIN POTTER!"

"WOOF!"

"I told you I don't want a big piece of ham. Beef is closer to human flesh!"

"You're wrong… like always!"

"No!"

"150 grammes of sugar, a packet of chocolate chips…"

"I'm HARRY POTTER! HARRY POTTER! HARRY! POTTER! WOOOOOO!

"SHUT UP!" Everyone screamed.

*AWKWARD SILENCE*

"Sooo, you guys haven't seen the fleece?"

"NO!"

"Crap doesn't have flees!"

Parcy left.

The eleven occupants of the compartment tried to forget the 'Fleece incident' but it was hard and there was a long silence that was cut short when Manon, who couldn't stay too long without speaking, said:

"He's hot!... Oh damnit I have got to stop saying stuff out loud."

"He's not that hot" said Sirius who seemed hurt like all the other guys, with the exception of James who just blushed.

"I've seen better." Admitted Ron.

"Yeah did you see that guy Cedric Digorry, He's dreamy!" let out James who blushed a second time. And, once again, their was a very awkward silence during which the guys sitting around James scooted away from him, as if he had gay germs!

The silence was finally broken when a troubled looking boy came in, tripped over Oceane, got up and asked this question: "Has anyone seen my toad?"

"No! Why would we have seen a toad?"

"What's a toad?"

"It's a kind of frog!"

"No! It's something that looks like a frog but isn't actually one… It looks more like Ron to be honest."

"CRAP DOESN'T HAVE FLEES!"

"I love pie and hippies!" said a random dude passing in the corridor.

"Oceane! Where's my turkey?"

"Woof!"

"NOT AGAIN!"

"A tea spoon of honey and the secret ingredient… a hand full of maggots. Mmmm…"

"I'M HARRY POTTER!"

"SHUT UP!"


End file.
